Oct.29.2006 The world is a-changing
So I went back to my old high school this past Friday and Saturday for Alumni/Homecoming related activities. Since moving back to New York, I’ve done what I can to attempt to integrate myself into the interesting, powerful alumni community of my high school. After being in LA for college for four years (and being well-prepared by my Ivy Preparatory high school), I feel like I should do what I can to give back beyond just cutting a check once a year.
After seeing some friends from school on Friday night at the alumni event, we took a tour of the school since things have changed quite a bit since our 2002 graduation year. There was a new building built (which also meant that my Senior year, we were going to classes in trailers due to the construction of the main building…the sacrifices we make for the youth of tomorrow).
Right now you’re probably thinking, “Is this just a sentimental post? Or is there a point?” And I say to you don’t be so judgmental. But yes, there is a point. You see, apparently, after our tour guide realized we weren’t really parents or old alums and wanted to know the real HM nitty gritty, we started to get a bit more. We told our tour guide, a current Senior at HM, some of our wacky stories of days gone by. In turn, she told us about kids getting blown in the boiler room, making sex tapes, and rebelling against the school’s leadership.
…
So as my wacky stories consist of cutting class or skating by (and perhaps sleeping with a teacher), this girl told us all about an entirely different world than we grew up in…one that makes me go “Wow, if only I were a child of ‘88.”
I guess I get how my parents are in awe of how no one dates or how someone in their 30s talks about how girls were almost a 5 date minimum to receive certain fringe benefits back in the day. As for me? I just hope that when I just send my child to my old high school that a) things don’t change and b) he’s a boy. Because if it’s a girl, she’s going to an all-girls Catholic school. Or perhaps I’ll tell her “mouth only”; by then, anal might be standard fare. :(
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Oct.27.2006 The NBA’s “toned midsection”
In honor of the frivolousness of rankings, particularly ones based, in part, on preseason performances, the Blog of Hilarity will rank all 29 NBA teams (plus the Division III Knicks) from worst to first, based entirely upon how not gay each team is. I think you’ll be stunned as to how accurate these rankings will be. Today, we will look at the “toned midsection” which is also a clever nickname for the notoriously taut gay abdominal region.
Please note this is not a declaration of homosexuality leading to a lack of basketball skills. After all, Keith Van Horn has had a long and fruitful career.
19. Philadelphia 76ers
Their logos are just too neat and clean. Also Sixers fans are the least violent fans of all the Philadelphia sports teams. Possibly because they enjoy interior decorating too much to notice the team’s inferior play! There really aren’t enough times in life to make an interior/inferior gag.
18. Toronto Raptors
The Velociraptor is a terrifying animal. But that’s moreso the ones that are kind of greenish and violently tear apart humans with their teeth. This one puts on a jersey and shorts, powders up his red face, and impishly dribbles his basketball. Add into the mix this team’s long list of slim and swarthy foreigners it just added and you have a recipe for Gay City, Ontario, Canada.
17. Orlando Magic
The team is built entirely on whimsy, fairy dust, and JJ Redick. But Dwight Howard is an absolute monster of a human being, so rather than put them at the bottom, they’re firmly entrenched in “bi-curious” territory.
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Oct.27.2006 Jessica Simpson needs to be loved
Cribbed from the delightful What Would Tyler Durden Do?…
Jessica Simpson has apparently, according to a source whom I have no reason not to believe (when has a report in the UK ever lied?), taken to searching the Internet for a new boyfriend.
“After she split up with John (Mayer) she set up a MySpace page to meet new people. She did it in a fake name but got really into it. She’s totally addicted. Whenever she’s at home, she’s on her laptop. Jessica loves the idea she can use the internet to look for a man who’s interested in her personality. She pretends to be this shy Texan girl.”
I don’t particularly have anything funny to say about this. I mean, sure, she’s beautiful, but why won’t you look past her spectacular body to find out more about what she thinks about the war in Iraq? Or perhaps let her speculate on why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopting foreign babies, spreading the trend across Hollywood, will do more long-term harm than good? Or maybe what she thinks about airline peanuts? It’s all your fault.
Or I’m just making this post in case she ever Googles “I enjoy Jessica Simpson’s personality and find it to be more important than her looks” and decides that she’d like to try me out. Either/or.
Oct.25.2006 The NBA ’s “Bottom”
In honor of the frivolousness of rankings, particularly ones based, in part, on preseason performances, the Blog of Hilarity will rank all 29 NBA teams (plus the Division III Knicks) from worst to first, based entirely upon how not gay each team is. I think you’ll be stunned as to how accurate these rankings will be. Today, we will look at the “bottom” which is also a clever nickname for a man receiving anal sex in a gay couple.
Please note this is not a declaration of homosexuality leading to a lack of basketball skills. After all, Keith Van Horn has had a long and fruitful career.
30. Golden State Warriors
“Hey, we’re in a city that contains a whole lot of gay disposable income. Let’s make our mascot a homosexually sadomasochistic Iron Man.”
“Why, that’s genius!”
“Also, let’s draft Mike Dunleavy.”
“Well, that’s giving the gays a bit too much, isn’t it?”
29. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets (or, as some call them, the Nooch, which I assume is based on a nickname of Moochie Norris)
Wow a Hornet with purple all over his body. I’m so intimidated. “Look out boyssss, buzzzzzz,” the Hornet says, knowing all too well that he didn’t want them to leave at all. Sure, he’s wearing those low tops now, but when the sun goes down, something tell me he puts on a pair of heels and goes for femmy Euros like Peja.
28. Sacramento Kings
Their moves all seem to point to them trying too hard to be straight. They get “Justifiable Homicide” Ron Artest to cover up for Mike Bibby’s soft and supple lips (as well as keep Shareef Abdur-Rahim from cup-checking everyone, something that no doubt helped propel his formerly lengthy playoff drought). Their “sister” team in the WNBA is called the Monarchs, eschewing the much more logical “Queens.” How can I trust the not-gayness of a team when they can’t even keep gender hierarchies in order? Also their boxscore abbreviation is “SAC.” So that clinches it.
27. Los Angeles Lakers
You can have your star players allegedly rape women all you want, Lakers, but your uniforms are still purple and gold. Also you’re starting Chris Mihm.
26. New Jersey Nets
Look at their logo. It’s just kind of swishy, isn’t it? Kind of like a man standing their with a hand on his hips wondering why everyone at “The Tenderloin” sends drinks to his more attractive friend rather than him.
Plus Richard Jefferson is possibly the softest speaking man ever. And he’s not that smart. So I’m jumping to conclusions.
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Oct.24.2006 Bad press is good press my ass!
You know, I was just enjoying a leisurely moment after my disheartening loss in the new tiger woods game. I was sitting down with my school-issued laptop — it has a license plate on the back to prevent minorities from stealing it (it doesn’t work) — and I went to check my gmail account. Guess how I excited I was when I saw an email that emphatically declared that I had received a comment on my very first blog post. Barely able to keep it in my pants — barely — I opened the email and what did I see?
Dark fuck
What puzzled me more was that the name read, “Not Chris.” Ok, I’ll admit, that was funny, but just because I lmao’ed a few times doesn’t mean that it’s cool. It is not cool “Not Chris.” How bout I “Not club” your “Not face” into the “Not ground?” And furthermore, how does this person know I am so dark. Are people mistaking my shadow for the actual me? You know, I used to think I had a smooth-brown-American-bred-negro tone. But whatever my place on the spectrum, I only marginally enjoyed that.
Chris likes the fact that people are even reading and making posts. Still, I don’t know if I want the type of fame that stems from people’s hatred of me. Kevin Federline, “I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE!”
Oct.24.2006 Winter is kind of cold
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but if you live on the East Coast, it’s kind of cold right now. Even when the sun is out. I’ve been in LA the past couple years, where winter merely means “Girls wearing Uggs looks a bit less silly” and a brisk 60 degree is a day’s low, but jeez, it’s a bit cold here in New York. Downright nippy, in fact.
In a way, it’s a welcome change because in LA, the seasons change marginally. The sign of Christmas being around the corner is when girls decide that they shouldn’t expose as much cleavage (which isn’t as great as, say, a snow storm…I’d rather bury my head in a foot of snow than lose cleavage). In another way, I’m freaking cold and I’m tired of walking around with pokies.
Also this means I have to get a winter coat. I’m at an age in my life where I don’t quite feel dignified enough to wear the long wool coat but not young enough to wear something casual. It’s a real predicament, one that the mainstream media just COINCIDENTALLY seems to avoid.
Also you may wonder why I didn’t go with a more logical picture to use in this post, like one with snow or something. I’ll let you in on a little secret. When I go to Google Image Search for pictures to go with posts, I try to pick the most random one possible. In this case, it’s some illustrated girl with a tractor that came up in a search for “winter.” So there you go. Now the only mysteries you have left to solve are Stonehenge and Scarlett Johansson’s flawless bosoms.
Oct.23.2006 Yes, I am real, and my nose is erect to prove it.
So, I have finally been included in the magical phenomena of blogging. Many of you (by many, I mean the previous five readers including myself) know me already as Chris’s wacky black friend Edgar. Up until now, I have only been an obscure reference on an even more obscure blog, but now I have become a real boy. And I have my own column…Yaaay!!! You may also notice that I have conveniently taken the spot of that platano-scarfing greaseball (Carlos?)
Anyhow, I have been assigned Black Thoughts. Initially I had a gripe with this; why are my thoughts separated based on color? Do people hear the “I have a dream” speech humming in the background when I talk? Do I tap dance, put on gold grills, and give women names that are misspelled adjectives — i.e. deelishes. Am I the guy that kills his white girlfriend and has a lawyer use rhyming skills to escape an almost-certain guilty verdict? Yes. Perhaps I am.
Maybe I am all those things. Does that still warrant a separate link? Why is the black man left off the main page?? THINK ABOUT IT!!
They say it is in our people’s nature to be dissatisfied with the good things. I have to think about that.
