Oct.31.2006 The NBA’s “Head”
In honor of the frivolousness of rankings, particularly ones based, in part, on preseason performances, the Blog of Hilarity will rank all 29 NBA teams (plus the Division III Knicks) from worst to first, based entirely upon how not gay each team is. I think you’ll be stunned as to how accurate these rankings will be. Today, we will look at the “head,” which is an incredibly clever, in case you can’t tell, dick joke.
Please note this is not a declaration of homosexuality leading to a lack of basketball skills. After all, Keith Van Horn has had a long and fruitful career.
9. Cleveland Cavaliers
I like the Cavaliers but I have it on good authority that what LeBron whispered to Gilbert Arenas during the Playoffs last year to get him to miss those free throws was, “Can I **** your ****?” Like he literally said “Can I starstarstarstar your asteriskasteriskasteriskasterisk?” That’s not gay, but it’s queer in the olden English sense.
8. Atlanta Hawks
You know how I know the Hawks are gay? Joe Johnson listens to Coldplay.
7. San Antonio Spurs
Tim Duncan sleeping at David Robinson’s house in those shaving cream commercials was just kind of creepy. “No Tim, the gnomes are out…fine we can’t agree on that so why don’t you just kiss me…let me touch your swimmer body.” Yes I’m implying that David Robinson, who not only served his country but is also one of the nicest people to ever play in the NBA, sexually molested Tim Duncan when he was a young and supple rookie. Like you haven’t fantasized…er…thought the same thing.
6. Dallas Mavericks
Their slogan this year is “Mavs Fever. Catch it. Spread it.” Coincidentally enough, they didn’t look outside the NBA to get that slogan; Magic Johnson coined that slogan when he announced he had AIDS 15 years ago. Awkward.
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Oct.31.2006 HLWIS: A Mexican in Denver?
Coming to you live once again from my Blackberry (probably meaning this entry is tape delayed until I can get my laptop somewhere with access to the interweb) in the scenic Denver airport.
As I wait here for an arrival, I noticed a person cleaning up around me. A Mexican cleaning person! The novelty!
But really though, sarcasm aside, I had no clue that they had spread all the way up to thin-aired, frigid Denver. I mean, this is no place for Salsa dancing, pinata beating, nor enchilada eating.
And they say these people take jobs Americans don’t want. What American wouldn’t like a job in subzero temperatures and an altitude that makes you sleepy cleaning an airport at 7AM? That sounds like the American dream!
Oct.30.2006 Once upon a time, there were frogs and negroes
Since I enjoy a smidgen of anonymity with this blog, I’m gonna go ahead and say that I was a huge WB fan. Yes….ME! I cried, on the floor of the shower, when Buffy died and then was resurrected on UPN, and I sobbed slightly when Joey ended up with Pacey and not Dawson (it still pisses me off). But alas, the WB is now dead — along with that coonish vaudeville frog — and we have been left with the CW, which is the product of a boozy one night stand between the WB and UPN.
Recently, I took some time out to watch the still mediocre CW; in particular, I watched the Tuesday lineup of Black comedies. And I couldn’t help but think what happened to the channel which used to be UPN. Basically, the CW took all of UPN’s gems (by gems, I mean cloudy cubic zirconians) and left the channel with its toxic waste. Though nothing will ever measure up to the greatness of Homeboys in Outer Space, the remaining network, aptly named MY9, shows reruns of some of their “greatest” sitcoms ever — One on One, Half and Half, Eve, etc.. But the channel’s main draw these days is a spicy drama called Fashion House. It stars Bo Derek, Morgan Fairchild, and a bunch of wannabe actors who play models. To me, Fashion House is Melrose Place without the quality.
While I’ll admit that Bo Derek and Morgan Fairchild are still hit-able — the boys of niptuck have done their job — the fact is that they’ll be in a nursing home in five years! If this is all MY9 has to offer me, then it really has become the new UPN. Maybe this time, instead of “black shows”, it’ll gear itself toward the Hispanic audience. I can’t wait to see a sitcom about a family’s wacky attempts to cross the walled up border. Ole!
Oct.30.2006 HLWIS: F*ck this kid at the airport
I’m at LaGuardia bringing this Hey Look What I See to you live from my Blackberry. There’s this blonde 12 year-old here listening to his lil iPod and he keeps glancing over here, looking kind of smugly. He occasionally makes his little faces while twirling his Aryan hair.
This kid is a c*nt…a real future Duke lacrosse player. The wonders of technology allow me to say that without a PC at my fingertips. I wonder if RIM thought that this was one possible usage of their delightful machine…calling minors c*nts.
Update: This didn’t post from my Blackberry apparently. So, RIM…you are ON NOTICE.
Oct.30.2006 I Eat Waffles With My Hands
Yesterday at Costco I bought a box of 60 Eggo waffles (Homestyle, for those of you keeping score). When I run out of vanilla soy milk or am too lazy to deal with pouring things, I pop a couple of those delicious disks into the toaster. Minutes later, I’ve got breakfast with none of the grief which accompanies fluids, flakes, or boxes. Waffles are also the one breakfast that frees me of utensils. You see, I eat waffles with my hands. I saw a friend from India do it about a year ago, and I can’t stop now. I don’t know if that’s the style there, but if it is, then that’s fantastic.
I know what you’re thinking: “won’t my hands get really sticky from all that syrup and that gloppy cube of butter?” Yes, they might — which is why you might want to ease off the toppings. For a little less syrup, though, you don’t have to bother with a fork. You can even slap some turkey on top and have an open-faced sandwich. You can even eat it on the go. Why hasn’t McDonald’s baked syrup into a waffle (a la McGriddles) and marketed it as a portable breakfast. Hell — what if they stuffed them with fillings? Meats, fruits, eggs, cheese could all be inside. Imagine a burrito or a hotpocket made out of waffles. If people are willing to eat a donut burger, then they should go for this.
Oct.30.2006 TSIP: Missing US Soldier Married Iraqi Woman
Top Story in Paint chronicles the day’s top story in a highly defined and incredibly artistic rendering. Today’s top story in paint deals with the missing US Soldier who was found to be married to an Iraqi woman.
Oct.29.2006 49 minutes with Jerome Bettis
This year, Jerome Bettis left the Steelers’ roster and joined the expansion team that is NBC’s Sunday Night Football. He is also one of the least competent commentators/analysts in recent history. Tonight, I’m going to take a look at his additions to the Football Night in America team. It’s only 49 minutes because I turned the program on at 7:20. So sue me.
7:22 Highlights of the Chicago/San Fran game are shown. Bettis adds thoughtfully, “Oh ho ho! Bam!”
7:23 The crew discusses the potential of the Bears. Bettis remarks, “They will win because their offense is potent and their defense controls the field.” This is the most cogent thing he’s said all season. What a time to read the cue cards adequately..when I finally decide to write about this. Damn you Bettis.
7:26 Highlights of the NY Giants/Tampa Bay Bucs game. Manning throws a touchdown ot Burress and Collinsworth asks, “What do you think of that play Bus?” Bettis sincerely emotes, “That was special.” Silence.
7:27 Bettis: “Tiki Barber is fast and gets to the outside. Brandon Jacobs brings power.” Well said.
7:28 Bettis adds this unique commentary, “Parcells has to coach well. The Cowboys have to win tonight otherwise they will have a hard time winning the division.” I…okay.
7:36 After some highlights of Atlanta/Cincinnati, Bettis brings this genius observation, “Michael Vick is looking to throw the ball if he’s not running it.” Fair enough. He’s a quarterback, looking to throw so long as he’s not going to run the ball. I guess that’s what makes Vick so potent and unique amongst quarterbacks. That he tries to throw the ball. Unless he runs it, in which case he will not.
7:48 We’ve just gone to another commercial and haven’t seen Bettis since his last insightful observation into Michael Vick. I wonder if he has food breaks worked into his contract. Or maybe that he’ll run out of things to add.
7:52 Collinsworth: “Nothing scares the Steelers, right Bus?” Silence.
7:53 Bettis adds this about the Steelers’ problems against the Raiders, “Arrrrgh. Groan. Ohhhhhh.” You only get that kind of insight on Football Night in America.
7:54 Costas: “The Super Bowl Champs are 2-6. Are they cooked?” Bettis replies wistfully, “Yes. Maybe not because Cincinnati lost.” He then speculates that Charlie Batch might be an option over Ben Roethlisberger. Jerome Bettis may not be as intelligent as he seems.
8:00 Unrelated to Bettis, but the way Costas pronounces “Manning” annoys me. “Peyton Mahning throws the ball. Peyton Mahning threw three TDs today.” Pay attention next time if you can. It’s so snooty.
8:03 Cris Collinsworth talks to Bus directly again but Bus offers no reply. This must be what it’s like to have sex with a rubber doll. Empty questions and I Love You’s. I presume…
8:04 “The Denver Broncos’ defense did not impress me. They didn’t blitz. I was not impressed,” adds Bettis. The loss was tough enough on the Broncos. But I bet the criticisms of a respected commentator like Bettis are what really hurts.
8:05 Bettis calls Damon Huard “Danny Huard.” Bettis isn’t nearly senile enough to get away with that. It’s not quite calling Peyton Manning “Joe Blutarski” but it was noticeable.
8:09 Time for final comments. The world stops as Bettis offers his thoughts, “Nobody’s talking about the Indianapolis Colts. When Peyton *stutter* Pay..Manny is on the football field, he gives them a chance to win.” That was totally worth watching this for. Not only is Peyton Manning now known as “Pay Manny” but the Colts apparently aren’t talked about enough. It sucks that a team that perennially achieves so much is overlooked like the Colts. Really. I mean, if there’s a team in need of hype, it’s the Colts.
Closing thoughts: Jerome Bettis sucks. That’s about it. I wish the Steelers would coax him out of retirement.
