Dec.27.2007 Your December 27 Update

Day two of your news, BS, and Chris Experience updates. I just woke up and I’d be lying if I weren’t something that rhymes with “rung dover”. Again, this is why I probably wouldn’t be capable of working at home as a professional blogger, other than the obvious lack of talent. So let’s get into this before I make myself cry.

Lindsay Lohan has ten fingers on her right hand. For real! All the better to give random boys handjobs with, my dear.

Mischa Barton was arrested for a DUI. The bitch weighs like 40 pounds, so big shock that she probably got lit off of one Cosmopolitan. She also just looks kind of c*nty in the photo TMZ used. She always looks kind of c*nty. She probably couldn’t look more c*nty if her lips were labia and her breath smelled like a bear’s.

The San Antonio Spurs’ Tony Parker has found himself in the middle of a web of intrigue as a result of a delusional French girl. The web of intrigue consists primarily of him not having slept with her and her being crazy. But boy, her lies are EXTRAVAGANT.

The NFL Network is simulcasting the New England Patriots/New York Giants game this weekend on CBS and NBC since nobody gets the NFL Network. That means you can watch this game on THREE different channels. I’m going to get a picture-in-picture-in-picture TV and watch this game on all three channels at the same time. I imagine it’ll be like being able to control the Matrix.

Paris Hilton is totally getting douched on her inheritance, expected to receive $5 million instead of an anticipated $100 million. I know it’s fashionable to think she should die of cervical cancer but that just sucks. I get wanting to give money to charity, but $5 million? When her grandfather Barron Hilton has $2.3 billion? And will be donating 97% to charity? That’s just a dick move. I’d steal his will and write over it in marker saying “Give the money to Paris,” then bludgeon him with a gold brick. I’m all about sending a message with my murders.

Neil Strauss, author of The Game is launching his new Stylelife Pick-Up Artist/lifestyle/kind-of-douchebaggy thing. And he’s using David Faustino of Married with Children and some other a-hole to show how effective “the game” is. Longtime readers of the site know how I find this world to be extremely interesting (search “pick up artist” or “mystery” in that little search engine above) but there’s ultimately no way I would ever commit to doing this. Probably because I’m sexy and cool and don’t need it. But still. Pretty entertaining.

And I’ll leave you with a link to the love of my life Liston and his Douche test. Easily more entertaining than the crap you’ll find on Tickle or whatever crappy test sites that stupid people go to.

Related Greatness

• Lindsay Lohan gets powdered by PETA protesters
• The November 11 Hot Link Orgy
• The November 5 Hot Link Orgy
• Lindsay Lohan rides the subway. Like a savage
• Lindsay Lohan is making more friends by showing her vagina
• Lindsay Lohan is so forgetful when it comes to bras
• The October 2 Hot Link Orgy