Dec.17.2006 TIME finally recognizes me for my greatness
TIME Magazine has named this year’s Person of the Year and, yes, the rumors are true…it is indeed ME. I’m hardly one to toot my own horn, but this is really overdue. I see names like Kim Jong Il, the YouTube guys, Mahmoud Ahmeny…Ahmene….Ahmenijidjjhahdiiaddded of Iran thrown around and I think, “Shit, this might not be my year,” but then…I finally saw the cover…and wow. It’s finally happened for me.
There’s so many people I’d like to thank. Well, not so much thank, but rather shit on. You assholes always said I’d never amount to anything. Well how about you swallow that cover of TIME bitches??? It kind of sucks they didn’t really use my name much…I haven’t seen it yet, but like, I haven’t bought the issue yet, but it’s still pretty tremendous. I don’t even think I have to go to work any more…who can fire the person of the year? Come Monday, I’ll take a big healthy dump on my boss’s desk and go, “Enjoy yourself…that’s some grade-A Person of the Year feces. Bathe yourself in my greatness.” That’s part of why I’m Person of the Year; I try to give back to the common people when I can.
If there was one story I would have told TIME if they asked me for a comment, which by the way, I’m not too happy they didn’t give me an opportunity to use this opportunity as a vehicle for my beliefs on stem-cell research (we need to use them to fuel our automobiles and feed the homeless…two birds one stone)…anyway, if I could tell them one story, it’d be this time I went to an old people’s home and, after getting to know them and their pain, I volunteered to euthanize them all. If you could see the looks on their faces as they gasped for air, mouthing something about “wishing they could see their grandkids,” presumably ones that work in the funeral home, then you’d know whta it means to be a true humanitarian and Person of the Year.
What a year to be me.
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