Aug.14.2007 Rubbing it in the Ex’s Face
Today’s special guest is the lovely and talented Kelly, also known as KM on Room Tone. Kelly brings her humor and hatred for all things beautiful to a little ditty about breaking up and the Internet age.
Breakups are a nightmare. Not really ever having had one, I say this based on witnessing firsthand, the most awful, childish, hurtful things that have ever taken place between other people on a regular basis for about twenty-four years. It’s not me, it’s you. Don’t ever call me again. I’m getting a restraining order. I’m actually a dude. However it goes down, when all is said and done, the majority of people are not immediately, or sometimes ever able to be friends with people they used to have sex with. And if they are, everyone knows it’s kind of a crock of shit anyway.
I think it must have been easier to deal with breakups before the internet really hit it big. The worst you had to face as a chick who got dumped, and whose boyfriend has moved on, was possibly witnessing the two of them slow dance at homecoming. Now, technology has paved the way for these emotionally vulnerable individuals to stab themselves in the heart on a daily basis, keeping the wound fresh (and frankly, starting to turn gangrenous). Access to your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s MySpace or Facebook profiles is a commodity of great value, at first so you can laugh at her obvious flaws and detract from the rejection you’re feeling at the time…and then later so you can monitor their progress as a couple and weep softly in the fetal position when you register the fact that you’re nowhere near in the same place they are with your re-bound guy. Not that it’s always something to be envied; it’s usually not, but you’ll have no trouble convincing yourself that it is.
I think it’s relevant to point out that this dynamic has been evolving for years. Since long before MySpace and Facebook. In my day; this war was fought over away messages and AIM profiles. Rapid quote updating took place, and emoticons with pursed lips were flying about. Whereabouts were always very in-your-face and meant to induce jealousy. It could get really ugly.
Enter problem. New girlfriends (I’m being gender specific because men do NOT put forth this kind of effort into anything they do, except for fantasy insert-sport-I-can’t-stand-ball) are known to use this technology to torture the old girlfriend, so that she may know her place in the world of the probably undeserving man in question. All kinds of updates will swarm her profile(s), with information that runs the gamut from her weekend plans with Boyfriend, to meeting his family, to getting a mutually-owned pet, overusing “us” and “we,” to outright declarations of love for Boyfriend where they aren’t even really appropriate (for example, Interests: I’M IN LOVE WITH ____!). You know, come to think of it, Selena’s assistant might have had a similar response on HER Facebook page, you fucking psycho. These sites were designed for social networking. Calm down, will you?
New Girlfriend will, if she’s a big enough bitch, even go as far as to replace her default pic with some snapshot she obviously took of the two of them kissing in some form, the take that came out really good, not the 12 or so rejects she deleted before it looked right (that’s right, New Girlfriend, I’m on to your tricks). It never fails. She banks on the fact that Old Girlfriend will see this information and cry over her loss, and so the point really gets driven home that Old Girlfriend is a thing of the past.
My question is; how insecure are you in your relationship with Boyfriend that you feel the need to put on this dog and pony show? It’s time consuming, and annoying even for those of us who aren’t involved. I’m in a relationship, and it’s awesome, and I don’t need to be out-“in love”-ed by some self-doubting New Girlfriend with nothing but time on her hands when I’m skimming through websites during my 9-5.
I’d like to suggest, if I may, that all non-celebrity relationship advertising come to an end on the internet. Noting that you’re in a relationship is the extent to which you should discuss this fact, unless you’re a complete idiot. The bottom line? Not only does this behavior infuriate me, and give some people license to use glittery purple fonts and this symbol: <3 – but, relationship advertising of any kind is guaranteed to break some hearts (or, < /3’s if you only speak emoticon). Plus, when Boyfriend finds out that you’re obsessed with him (since I firmly believe that your average Boyfriends of the world, are not down with the advertisements) and dumps your self-photographing, Howie Day quoting ass, you’re not going to want to experience what you’re putting others through. So, for the sake of people everywhere – keep it simple, and dish the schmoopy details at your next Tupperware party. Those are the only people who might possibly care about how in love you are. Promise.
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