This weekend is another UFC Pay-Per-View that should be pretty strong, featuring several upstanding men squaring off in the eight-sided ring of gentle combat. After really re-immersing myself in UFC over the past couple months, I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern for recent shows. In fact, I’ve even developed a formula for this weekend’s UFC 73 card. These things are all 100% guaranteed to happen or your money back!*

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–Someone will promote their movie in an awkward cross-promotion. At UFC 71, it was Bijou Phillips for Hostel. This weekend? Mandy Moore for License to Wed.

–Joe Rogan will yell excitedly about things and somehow seem like a competent commentator. Jim Lampley will shoot at his television set.

–UFC President Dana White will declare the event to be “exciting like only a UFC event can be.” There will also be a video package involving Dana White calling Tito Ortiz a latent homosexual.

–Mickey’s Malt Liquor will be prominently featured. Mickey’s: Because the Irish aren’t drunk enough.

–Someone will get embarrassingly knocked out by a lesser competitor, very quickly. The underdog will have had a tough upbringing.

–There will be one match that involves guys rolling around on the ground a lot. Mike Goldberg will call this a real technical battle between two ground specialists.

–The Main Event will feature an underdog overcoming unprecedented odds to win the Championship. Randy Couture will have predicted the outcome correctly.

But you’ll enjoy it. I wholeheartedly endorse you buying the show. People will get punched. Someone might bleed. Good times all around. And frankly, you aren’t a man if you haven’t watched AT LEAST one UFC show top to bottom.

*The money you spent reading this post not the money on the PPV. F*ck that dude.

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