Tom Brady less handsome than previously thought

Feb.04, 2008 in BoH Sports

At this point, I get it. Tom Brady is the alpha male of our generation. He’s the “Dreamboat”. He’s an upper echelon athlete with the good looks and style of an A-list actor. But the signs were there all along. Maybe he’s just not that into us. But maybe we should have never been that into him.

Tom Brady has always had a penchant for throwing caution to the wind. He could never appreciate the seriousness of any situation. Why do you think he always looks “so cool under pressure”? What multimillion dollar athlete (uh…white athlete) would throw his jizm to a stray Bridgette Moynahan egg? A man who thinks he can’t lose. But we should have known then that he could lose. We should have known when a Champ Bailey interception held him back last year. We should have known that maybe Tom Brady can’t ever be what we all think he is.I mean sure, everything was great when the Patriots were 18-0 and on top of the world. Brady seemed to relish in the way he gimped around in NYC in his little ankle boot. “Tee hee,” he no doubt squealed, “I will put on a little show for all of the paparazzi who eat and sleep Tom Brady.”

When he saw the ensuing coverage of his overblown “injury”, he chuckled. “Tee hee. I’m so clever.” What other athlete under tremendous scrutiny would flitter around NYC in metrosexual attire and a bootie befitting Shaquille O’Neal? Whether he was hurt or not was irrelevant. This game wasn’t being taken seriously. Even his teammates supported his antics. “That is so Brady,” they said when reached for comment.

He traipsed into Arizona feeling that there wasn’t a chance he’d be leaving the confusingly-named University of Phoenix Stadium a loser. Tom Brady doesn’t lose. Too handsome. Too perfect. “Have you seen my scarf,” Brady asked though he knew where the scarf was all along. “This Burberry scarf doesn’t lose, babe.”

But by the end of the night on February 3rd, Tom Brady was outdueled by the lesser Manning. It was akin to Pacino losing the Academy Award to Frank Stallone. Another Manning teabagging Tom Brady, leaving a Lombardi trophy on his chin for him to smell but be incapable of tasting.

Tom Brady, you’re just not as handsome as we thought you were. The bloom is off the rose. You’re a fat Kelly LeBrock on Celebrity Fit Club. A Cameron Diaz without make-up. You’re exposed and, subsequently, rendered worthless.

Hey Matt Cassel, can you fit in a 32 inseam pair of Armani slacks? We’re ready to move on.