Jessica Simpson is hurting millions of fat people
When I think of the atrocities Jessica Simpson has committed against society, none is higher on my radar than her crimes against the obese. But finally someone has the balls to stand up for what’s right. And hungry.
JESSICA Simpson does not want you to know how she fit into her Daisy Dukes. In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company.
Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.
Astilean said, “They are hurting millions of fat people in America.” Simpson’s rep said, “It’s a legal matter that’s in the hands of attorneys.”
Do you know how hard it is to hurt millions of fat people? Well, it’s pretty difficult physically. It’s like they’re covered in mountains of fleshy padding. Emotionally though, it’s not that difficult. You can just call them “Tubby” or “Hungryface” and they’ll start crying. Or you can hold ice cream just outside of their reach (WARNING: Do not hold ice cream just outside of a fat person’s reach lest they bite your hand off and use your pubic bone as an ice cream cone).
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