Here on Blog of Hilarity, I like to open the floor to friends, well-wishers, and people who amuse me. Today is BOH co-founder and my bestest pal Tommy’s field report from a seminar with one of the stars of VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist, Matador. Enjoy!

On this Valentine’s Day, I blame both Mystery and the homeless guy at Baja Fresh.

Yesterday was supposed to the day I saw two real-life television Pick-Up Artists share their wisdom. Two events, within blocks and hours of each other, free. Furry-hat and eyeliner wearing Canadian c*cksmith Mystery as the main course, and for the appetizer, his very jacked and somewhat greasy sidekick Matador. I was ready for a pair of Master Classes on the lessons I gleamed from Vh1.

That did not happen. Filet mignon Mystery bailed, and I had a leathery Matador salad for dinner. I almost bailed myself for some pre-Valentine’s speed dating. Out of my devotion to you, Dear Reader, I skipped out on an hour of many awkward conversations for a single awkward lecture. As you might expect, the salad just was not that satisfying.

I don’t want to beat up too much on Matador. The guy had to deal with a 300-person lecture hall full of snarky young people who were not paying hundreds or thousands of dollars to hear his pick-up analysis. He got thrown into the position by Mystery’s cancellation. It takes a particular sort of situation for Robin to cover for Batman when he’s filming a new season of his show/doing blow/flaking out/having a very legitimate reason to not make it. This was not it.

Matador’s talk was titled “Seduction: How to Get The Girl You’ve Always Wanted.” Matador’s subject was “Boom-Boom-POW: Evolution and The Time I Clothes-Lined a Homeless Man at a Baja Fresh.” His talk was surprisingly dry: muddled, hard to follow, and low on “pick up insight” beyond a typical episode of the Vh1 show. He talked at length about a human evolutionary impulse to survive and reproduce, and how “*this* game” was about framing one’s self as positively as possible by those terms. He discussed how reading a book a week made him a well-read person, and used two guys from the audience to hit on each other.

That is to say: I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Matador didn’t stray at all beyond the basic premises of “The Game” and “The Pick-Up Artist” and its various spinoffs. In doing so, he flexed a lot and made a punching method and said “Boom-Boom-POW” at random intervals. He also strung together a series of anecdotes in which he variously:

–made out with a woman and stared down her boyfriend, ultimately losing her after thinking he might have to go “Boom-Boow-POW” and fight

–saw a chubby guy on a bicycle win said woman and evaluate his life

–suggested that we go on Google Earth and find images of huts in Africa

–clothes-lined a homeless guy who started throwing food at a Southern California Baja Fresh.

That last incident was my favorite. Like a good storyteller, Matador made sure that we saw that his arm swung across his body (”huaaah!”) onto the raging homeless guy’s neck (”BWOW”). I have no doubt that this was an enormously painful experience. Matador’s biceps are the size and shape of heavy, dense medicine balls (not the really big ones, of course, but big for biceps — work with me!). Based on his PVC pants, he is also fairly open about sharing other pertinent facts with his fans. To answer your question: a little from Column A and a little from Column B.

After an hour and twenty minutes, give or take, he was done. I wasn’t disappointed or angry so much as I was kind of bored and confused. Matador was game, but his remarks were unorganized and felt more like a stream-of-conciousness riff than a constructive breakdown of his craft. He also flexed a lot (granted, it was quite a Gun Show).

I called a friend who skipped out on the man to go speed dating. His report: really good event, except for the part where he talked to all of these people he doesn’t want to date.

So there you have it, folks. My forecast for Valentine’s Day: boredom and confusion. My advice: snatch up the first person you have a coherent conversation with. I might normally advise against random gestures and loud noises, but since Matador was pushing that last night, you should go with your gut. Happy hunting!