Jan.02.2007 A Captain N for 2007

I have a good friend who sends weekly emails imploring its recipients to reply to probing questions on the state of honor, duty, and humanity. This week, he asked us who we would take with us on a Lord of the Rings style-journey. We could choose six historical or fictional figures from Disney films, All-Time World Government Figures, Saturday Morning Cartoons, Sitcoms, Video Games, and Biblical Figures. Because I didn’t think anyone would be interested in my afternoon tea with Benjamin Disraeli (”you don’t even know who I am,” Family Guy fans) and Idi Amin, I chose to assemble my heroes from the realm of video games. That makes me sort of like Captain N: The Game Master, whom my blogging co-conspirator introduced me to on New Year’s Day. That’s a whole other drawn out post. Below, my selections.

1. Mario
This is a no-brainer, so let’s get it out of the way. I bought Mario 64 for the Wii, and have sunk at least 20 hours in the past month into a game that most people beat when I was twelve. The reason? Mario in 3D is what would happen if Jackie Chan and Spider-Man spent a romantic night together in Little Italy. This 4ft, 6inch tall “plumber” runs like Michael Johnson, jumps like Carl Lewis, and somersaults like he trained in the Eastern Bloc circa 1980. He was always very capable going side-to-side — growing, smashing blocks, shooting fire — but given free rein, he is a flat-out superhero. Also, beyond that sunny exterior, he is a cold-blooded mass murderer. Consider all the goombas stomped, koopa troopas stripped, and children starved by all the destroyed turnip crops used as projectiles. I have to think that in Bowser’s side of the world, law-abiding shyguys bow their heads at his mere mention and mothers chide their children not to speak of “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Referred-To-By-Name,” or “The Man in the Blood Red Cap.” This past month has been rough for more than one genocidal maniac who made his mark in the late-twentieth century (see entries on: Chile, Iraq). If I were Mario, I’d be laying low for a while and join my journey. He would absolutely be my MVP.

Also, we’ll never be hard-up on cash as long as there as some bricks nearby.

2. Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog’s Squirrely, Flying Companion)
Every hero needs a sidekick, and if there’s any place that Mario’s leaping ability can’t reach, Tails can get there by helicoptering right on over. Let this be proof that radiation poisoning produced at least one good thing, at least for my purposes.

3. Vince Young (Madden 2007, Xbox 360, Updated Rosters)
He’s not Vick in 02, or Bo Jackson in days of yore, but VY is a man for Our Time. Nearly as fast as his forebears, and quite a ways taller and thicker, I am in awe of what he could learn under Mario’s tutelage. Tough to bring down, throws hard, and simply finds a way to win. I realize that his strength is newly acquired, and he’s still a rookie, but go find yourself a 360, Madden, and Xbox Live to download a roster and tell me that he’s not the next Player Who Completely Pisses Off His Opponent.

4. Ms Pac-Man
Included both for the sake of gender equity and to bring some flat-out relentlessness to the group, Ms Pac Man can either bat her eyes or flap her mouth out of any awkward situation. The fact that she was the closest thing I had to a girlfriend in high school doesn’t hurt, either.

5. The Lost Vikings (from their self-titled debut, “The Lost Vikings“)
Okay, this party member is actually a 3-for-1 deal from an obscure but fantastic game. Each of these guys has a different skill. One is fast, one has a sword, and one has a shield that he can also use to glide. I imagine that we’ll face a lot of puzzles on our journey, and that we’ll also need to learn the value of teamwork. These guys would be a great example. Also, if we ever ended up on the side of a mountain in the Andes, they would increase our food supply.

6. Carmen Sandiego
Think about it: very hard to track down, has a private army of henchmen (see Trouble, Double and The Slick, Vic, et al) at her command, and knows geography better than anybody. She’s also been known to time travel, and I’d like to have access to that. The fact that she was the closest thing I had to a girlfriend in elementary school doesn’t hurt, either.