Jan.05.2009 Ever heard of a “Lion King”?
Ever heard of the sexual term the “Lion King”? If you’re like me, you hadn’t. But you will never forget it now.
In text form, in case you get confused and can’t read words on images:
When having sex, you pull out right before you ejaculate. Go in your own hand. Get the girl to face you and before she realizes it, use your thumb to smear some sperm across her forehead and say “Simba”.
“I used the Lion King on my girlfriend last night”
I loved the Lion King as a child and I can only imagine that adding this dimension to the film would really spice it up. At the very least, it’d probably spice it up a bit more than my previous attempts. Imagining myself having sex with Nala just made me feel like a creep and imagining Scar getting into an orgy with the hyenas just made me envision Whoopi Goldberg nude on the ground in the Serengeti, so this seems like a reasonable compromise.
I always enjoy these sexual terms but I have to wonder if anyone has ever actually done any of them. I can imagine that, at worst, anything like a Chili Dog or a Strawberry Shortcake would get you divorced and possibly jailed while, at best, you’re going to lose the respect of someone and probably yourself. And that sure doesn’t taste like a real chili dog, believe me on that.
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Jan.05.2009 Quote of the Day
Australian police have a lack of space/availability at their shooting ranges, which is causing problems for young cops. Primarily, they’re wetting themselves at the thought of using a gun.
“The capacity of this [Goulburn] facility has been exceeded due to an increasing number of recruits,” the tender document states.
Senior police say the lack of access to shooting ranges has resulted in some younger officers receiving so little practice that they are scared of using their guns.
[viaQ]
Jan.05.2009 Fergie looks good in a bikini
From the beaches of Miami…
Fergie gets a lot of shit on many of the other celebrity sites, but I think she’s perfectly awesome. She has big boobs and a vagina that functions (perhaps too well since she peed on herself a while back) and I think that buys you a certain cache to do whatever the fuck and still be perceived as relatively cool. Seriously, I think if Hitler were a smoking hot chick with a big rack, we’d probably all be goose stepping our way around town yucking it up about how Jews are inferior in every way. Or we’d be exterminated. Either way, with Chick Hitler’s killer rack, we could all be content.
Jan.05.2009 The January 5 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with groin injuries
This is not the trick to try if you want to have functioning testes
funnyinteresting
-Woman shreds her vag in a water fountain (sad)
-Guess whose boobs these are (game)
-Meet 2008’s most complained about ad…it’s about tampons! (video)
-USC linebacker grinds on ESPN hottie Erin Andrews…classy (video)
-Rottweiler puppy has the hiccups (cuteness video)
-Cute reporter gets heckled by drunk people in Times Square (video)
-Gary Busey acting fucking nuts
-Saddest Captain Planet ever (funny pic)
-Some beer fun facts
-Thief sucks at thieving, leaves trail of popcorn behind him
-Why I may want to be a vegetarian (theoretically) sometime very soon. Poor animals :( (video)
-Arguably the most badass beer pong player ever (video)
-Everything you need to know about the “art” of teabagging
girls
-Latina model has boobs
-Twin lesbians!
-My fave Sarah Shahi gets in and out of her lingerie
-Danielle Lloyd topless and in a Santa hat is timely no matter what season it is
-Snowboarding plus naked chicks seems like something I can really get behind
-Sara Lipert is busty blonde hotness
-Noelia Monge is the International Babe of the Day
-The greatest washing machine ad ever features naked women (NSFW video)
-Isla Fisher strips down for FHM
Jan.05.2009 Breast implant sales dip due to the economy
This is literally the worst news to come out of the recession yet, and I’m including the fictional story I crafted about a father of a family of seven blowing his boss in order to not get fired (it was a feel good story): Breast implants are falling due to overall brokeness.
The bigger-boob business has gone bust.
With the stock market in a tailspin and home values dropping, demand for breast implants is sagging too, city docs say.
“The number of the bigger surgeries has gone down for sure,” said Dr. David Shafer, a Manhattan plastic surgeon. Breast enlargement surgery can cost anywhere from $4,000 to more than $10,000.
“People are definitely thinking twice right now,” said Dr. Sydney Coleman, another Manhattan surgeon. He said his colleagues in the lucrative field are starting to feel the pinch. “They’re complaining about it,” he said, “and they don’t usually complain.”
“If the procedure is purely esthetic, it’s definitely down,” said Dr. Sydney Coleman, whose Manhattan practice does both esthetic and reconstructive surgery.
This is so depressing. You never really understand the problems with the economy until it really hits home and this is one of those situations. Every time I see a flat chested woman, I’ll shed a single tear like a Native American seeing trash on the ground. Or I’ll just iron my clothes on the front of her body. Either way, I think she and I will both learn a little lesson about the economy and how to correct God’s errors.
In related news, I’m taking up a collection to fund women’s breast implants. It will be appropriated to those in need primarily through me shoving dollar bills into the underwear of women dancing on stages, but it’s really going to make a difference. Also, it’ll probably already go to women who have implants because they’re just better than those without. Maybe it’ll encourage the flat chested girls to work a little harder. So everybody wins.
[source...More Lohan in a bikini here]
Jan.05.2009 Marriage
It seems only fitting to have the first Comic of the Day of the new year to be from my favorite site, Explosm. This comic is about love. And love is a beautiful thing.
When you love someone, you want to ignore all of their problems and try to make things work. Or, if you want someone to easily control who’s still fun to have sex with, meth addicted strippers seem like a great option. Sure, cooking crack and finding a stick to tie it to to keep it perpetually out of reach of your special lady isn’t as easy as all the handbooks (mine, entitled, “How to Dupe a Meth Addict into Fucking You Efficiently” is available in bookstores now) would lead you to believe, but love is sometimes all about pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. And occasionally burning yourself while working in your homemade meth lab. Both of those, really.
Jan.05.2009 Oh you silly homeless people
I’m all for homeless creativity, but this gentleman’s ad seeking financial support in exchange for doing nothing just seems silly.
I think that homeless people need to think outside the box to get money to fuel their various endeavors including but not limited to eating, shitting on themselves what they just ate, and yelling obscenities at women with large breasts (in fact, we could all probably use a research grant in this field), but I also believe in truth in advertising. What this guy is in fact doing is a flagrant violation of services. You don’t have to pay him to avoid an ass kicking…due to his crippledness, you could probably spit on him or leave any sort of bodily waste and he’d just sit there and go “DAMN YOU SUCKA” (homeless people say “sucka”. It’s a fact. Don’t question it) while you tap danced your way away from him.
So there we go, it’s the first week of 2009 and I just completed my first resolution: Take no guff from the homeless. They’ve coasted their way to success far too often!
[Editor's note: Yes, we're back on a regular posting schedule and, yes, this is what I opted to make my first post of the year. It was also my resolution to continue half-assing things as much as possible.]
